It's my Self-Pity Party! I Can Cry if I Want To

Come join me. It should be fun! I do not have any balloons but I can assure you I have been eating plenty of cake.

January was not a good month for me. As the anniversary of my mom’s death came closer, I plunged into a deep depression. On a logical level, it did not make sense to me. It has been seven years already. The anniversary is always sad, but time seemed to ease the grief. I felt that if it did not make sense to me to be experiencing such a strong reaction most likely others would not understand either so for the most part I kept my feelings to myself. I have been feeling alone. I know there is more to it than just the grief. I have not been ready to face those issues.

The stress of having to deal with my day-to-day life while under this big cloud of depression has overloaded my body. I have been dealing with pain all over. It radiates through every joint. I have become a habitual insomniac. I lay awake at night, my mind racing and wandering unable to settle down. The word I chose for this year, HEALTH, looms over me almost mocking me. I did not take any steps this month towards getting healthier, on the contrary, I feel like I took several back. It is as if I am afraid to move, to let loose because I could become undone. It stinks! It sucks the life out of you! It eats up all your energy trying to keep yourself in one piece.

There has been a lot of self- reproaching. Why am I letting myself be under the grip of depression? I have a lot of knowledge. I trust in God. I know what I need to do! I owe it to my family to snap out of it! I am not a weak person! However, for some reason I have felt stuck and afraid to take the first step out of the hole.

However, I think a month-long party is excessive, don’t you? It has to end! Self-pity is for losers. I cannot bear the thought of wasting another month wallowing in it.

Thanks for putting up with the moaning and whining.