Give me a D! D.e.p.r.e.s.s.i.o.n.

I do not openly discuss it with many people, but depression and anxiety is something I have struggled with for many years if not all of my adult life. I have tried psychotherapy as well as medication and sometimes I find relief, sometimes I do not.

If you suffer from depression, you know there is nothing fun about it. You become somebody you do not like and do not want to be and it affects those close to you. It normally just comes and goes. There are periods of time when it does not bother me at all or at least I get enough breaks in between bouts that I can deal with it. Other times it feels like it takes over my life and does not let me go. This year is one of those times I have not been able to shake it off. It intensified as my mom’s death anniversary approached back in January and I have yet to bounce back. For some reason it also gets worse when the holidays are approaching.

It has now lasted long enough that I am thinking about maybe trying medication again. The last time I tried medication, I did not find it helped that much. I went off it cold turkey and experienced some bad withdrawal symptoms. It has been about three years, and I have been dragging my feet about getting back on them.

For some people is hard to understand depression or even admit they suffer from it. One good example is my father. Since my mom passed away, he has struggled emotionally. We all see it, but he refuses to get any help for it. He believes, as many Christians do, that all you have to do is put your trust in God, or improve your relationship with Him and “snap” yourself out of it. I don’t doubt for one second that trusting and having a good relationship with God can only bring positive things into your life and is especially important when you are going through a dark period. However, I also believe that depression has less to do with your relationship with God or others and more to do with physical problems and chemical imbalances in your body.

I do not know why I am talking about this here, except that I am learning that it is best to expose those things about you that bring a feeling of shame to your life. When you speak out your shame, it helps you get rid of it. I know some people have this image of me that I am always on top of things, or have things all figured out. I apologize for shattering that picture of me :)

In the bottom of my heart, I know things eventually are going to be OK. I know I am not alone and that many people face these types of problems. Would you send some prayers on my behalf? If you are facing a similar situation, it would be my pleasure to return the favor.

Child Labor

Last week my company participated in the Annual Take your Daughters and Sons to Work Day and Kaitlin came to the office with me. This is the first year she semi qualifies (the kids should be 12+ yrs old).

When I mentioned to her the possibility of going, I did not expect her to want to do it because she normally does not like to miss school. She surprised me by saying yes and actually getting really excited about it.

As the day approached, I found myself getting nervous at having her come with me. You see, I am not the most sociable person at work. I greet people in the halls and am generally friendly when somebody approaches me, but for the most part, I keep to myself inside my little cubicle. Having a cute little girl tagging along with you all day is a sure people magnet and I was already getting anxious about the all the extra small talk I was going to have to make. This is a leftover effect of leaving in a communist country were you were forced to compartmentalize your life, but that is a whole other post.


In the end, it was fun having Kaitlin at the office. She asked my help choosing her clothes that morning and even decided to take a laptop so she could do some “real” work. As always, she was a big help. I had huge stacks of paper on my desk that were waiting for me to have some “free” time to organize into binders, and she dutifully sat for over an hour, punching holes and putting the papers into the binders. She even helped me format some Excel Spreadsheets.



Besides participating in a couple of activities our building had organized, she also got in a little bit of computer game playing (without sound, of course).




The day just flew by and I have to admit I got a lot done. Afraid of instilling in her bad work ethics, I did not once check Facebook or read any blogs. Well, except for the times she was participating in the activities, but she does not need to know about that.


One unexpected side effect of having her experiencing what my day looks like is that she has been much more understanding when I show up late to pick them up from school or make last minute changes in our plans. In the past she always greeted me upset or with an accusatory tone. As a parent, you do not expect your children to recognize all the sacrifices that go into raising them and balancing all the aspects of life, but it is nice from time to time to receive some appreciation.

Panic at the Dentist

Yesterday was my first day back at work after my appendectomy. I also had a dentist appointment to take care of a couple of small cavities. The appointment was at 5:30PM so I picked up the girls at school and dropped them off with a friend before continuing my drive to the dentist office. I was feeling tired and a little bit sore from sitting at the office all day, but other than that, I was fine. I do not really have any big fears or apprehensions about the dentist, except I do have somewhat of a bad gag reflex that sometimes becomes a problem and a general aversion to having things too close to my face.

However, after waiting for about half and hour before finally going in, I was feeling pretty tired and started getting a little bit “shifty”. Those close to me know that the first thing I do when I start getting nervous is feel hot and start taking my clothes off. So when the nurse brings me to the chair I ask her for a minute so I can take my sweater off and my shoes. They are very patient with their clients at this office so she happily obliges, and then quickly gives me a briefing of the procedure. She puts my bib on and goes to get the doctor. I am feeling a little apprehensive at this time but nothing major. I get up and go the bathroom, which thankfully was freezing and stand there cooling off my body until the point I was almost shaking from the cold. This works well when I am experiencing anxiety, it calms me right down.

I go back to the chair feeling much better and the doctor comes in and gives me the anesthetic. The injections were a little uncomfortable, but I have a high threshold for pain so it was not too bad. However, about two minutes after the injection I start feeling panicky. The anesthesia starts to take and I feel like I am going to suffocate. I drink more water just to make sure I can swallow and keep trying hard to keep calm. It is not working. I feel my heart rate starts going up and from there all is lost. I am in a full swing panic attack. I tell the nurse that I just cannot go through with it today. I explain that it has been a long day, that I am tired, that I am hungry, all the while trying not to appear too neurotic but failing miserably. Tears start flowing uncontrollably, what a mess! The doctor was so understanding and gentle but I still felt like a complete fool.
So I left the office with a numb mouth and an appointment to try to do it all again on December 10th.

As I am driving to work this morning, I seem to recall having some issues with dental anesthesia several years ago. I think the panic attack last night was a reaction to the anesthesia. I will have to research this and talk to the doctor prior to the appointment to see if there is something that we can come up with to avoid repeating this episode.

I have dealt with anxiety most of life although I have never been formally diagnosed. It is a debilitating condition, one that leaves me feeling continuously exhausted. It is very draining trying to keep it in check all the time although I feel I have made some progress. However, from time to time something like this happens and it leaves you feeling vulnerable and back to zero.

Do you struggle with anxiety? Here are three tips I have found help me deal with it when I feel an attack coming.

Control your thinking – I am prone to negative thoughts and emotions, especially when I feel an attack coming. I have found that trying to move myself into a positive frame of mind through deep breathing and forced positive thinking can stop a panic attack to getting to a full-blown state. I do a lot of self-talk such as out loud telling myself to “relax”.

Identify a “Security Blanket” – I know, it sounds crazy, but for me having a bottle of water close by does wonders for my anxiety. Whenever I know I am going into a stressful situation I make sure I have a bottle of water with me. Do you believe I even sneaked a bottle of water with me into the operating room? I did not drink it, but just knowing it was there made me feel more relaxed. I am sure they found it once I was under general anesthesia, but by then I did not care 

Take care of yourself – One thing I consciously decided to do is to get more sleep. I still suffer from insomnia from time to time, but most days I go to bed by 10PM and sometimes I even go to bed at the same time as the girls. I have found getting more sleep to be very helpful dealing with my anxiety. I am also trying to be more conscious of what responsibilities I take on and saying no to people’s requests more frequently. I would also like to add regular exercise to my routine once more, but I am not there yet.

Here is hoping to a relaxed and not anxious kind of day!