On My Mind Right Now

This 365-Day Project is deceiving, because since I post everyday it gives me the false sense that I have been actually blogging, when we all know the truth.


It has been a relatively good first twenty days of the year. I have been trying to tackle little projects around the house. Of course, if you were to show up unannounced you would not know I have done anything, there are piles of things all over the house but at least the closets are starting to look better. See?

 

I have also been making progress in other areas of my life as well, but rather than risk “jinxing it” by writing about it prematurely, I think I will wait a little and give you an update later on.


At the same time, we have hit some small bumps on the road. Hubby and I keep taking one step forward and two steps back in certain areas, but hopefully one of these days we’ll take a leap forward and never look back. Haha! I can always wish.

Another thing that has been weighting heavy on my mind is…. ADOLESCENCE! It is ever so slowly creeping into my life. I knew it was coming! But I am not ready! I’m struggling a little. It is not too bad yet, but it does give me that “knot” feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Last night I found this letter written by another mom. I loved her sense of humor and could relate so well to the meaning of the letter that decided to share it here. We are not dealing with a full-blown case at our house yet. We are merely approaching the end of the third paragraph beginning of the fourth… but I am definitely hearing the “haughty laughter” [grin].  Here it is. Enjoy!


Dear Adolescence,


I spent years waiting for you. Even as my daughter suckled at my breast, or slipped her warm little hand in mine as we crossed the street, I knew she was under your curse. I'd heard you mutter it when she was born. I knew that even if I dedicated my entire life to burning every single spinning wheel in every single galaxy, you, Adolescence, would still find her and claim her. And not on her sixteenth birthday, either. I would be lucky to get twelve, thirteen years before you snatched her from me.


At first, it was easy to ignore you, what with diapers and spit-up and all. And then daycare and grade school and bag lunches and dance lessons and softball and sore throats. But I never forgot about you. How could I? My own adolescence rang in my head. "Your life is over," I spat at my thirty-five year old mom when she wouldn't buy me clothes at thirteen. "You're a disgrace to the family," she accused me a few years later when I gave up fashion for flower-child attire.


My daughter sensed you were coming too, way before you started to change her body. Sitting at the kitchen table one day, a beautiful ten year old girl, she looked over at me and said, "Ma, I wish things would never change." I squeezed her hand and said through my tears "So do I, sweetie. So do I." Did she see you like I did, smirking in the corner? Hear your haughty laughter?


And now you're here, and she's in your clutches. You've convinced her that she knows everything and that I know nothing. Because of you, she cringes when I touch her, unceasingly criticizes me, and has forgotten the creative, independent little girl she used to be. You've taught her to put on makeup, to listen to her iTunes nonstop, and to IM her friends constantly. And, to my absolute horror, you've turned her into a superficial, materialistic, brand-seeking, Abercrombie-and-Fitch-and-Hollister wearing conformist. (I have to admire your dead-on aim, Adolescence. You knew that this would be the arrow to my old-hippie heart.)


I am in exile, waiting, hoping for my daughter's safe return. Getting weepy at the sight of six-year-old girls in pigtails, giggling with their moms. I want to run after them and warn them, "Wait! Just wait!"


I am at your mercy, Adolescence. I know you will not release her until her transformation is complete. Until you have watered down my mother-power, and weaned her from my sloppy, milky love.


But are you willing to negotiate some terms of captivity? Maybe allow me a visit now and then? I realize I will have to stay behind the glass, that she will barely be able to hear my words. But please, may I occasionally glimpse her eyes unshielded by defiance or contempt?


And, I beseech you, Adolescence, to do your job swiftly, but do your job well. When my daughter finally comes blinking out of your confinement, let her bear no scars she can't handle. Let her be content with who she is.


And maybe, just maybe, let her be content with who I am, too.


Begging you for mercy,


Jeanne Holtzman

Conflicted Emotions

[As we are coming in the house from swimming lessons]

"Mama, do we need drama in our lives?"

[grin] "No, Natalie, I guess we don't need drama in our lives"

"That's what I thought... but I still miss Kaitlin"

[insert big laugh from mom]

She is one funny girl. She misses Kaitlin so much when she is not here, but at the same time enjoys the not having to continuously bargain and compromise for things at home.

Kaitlin has been gone since Sunday on a school retreat and I have to admit that without the tension of having to get her to school on time we have been getting out of the house late these last two mornings. As we got in the car this morning, Natalie mumbled "we need Kaitlin to be able to get to school on time..." and then she smiled at me and said "but at least nobody is yelling at us that we are going to be late".

However, don't let her fool you into thinking she does not like routines. Both mornings, she has left the car crying because since we have gotten to school later than normal she is supposed to go straight to her classroom and not wait in the gym for the bell to ring and that causes her great confusion.

This afternoon, while having her snack, she told me "tomorrow, let's pretend Kaitlin is here and leave for school on time".

Great idea, Natalie!