Give me a D! D.e.p.r.e.s.s.i.o.n.

I do not openly discuss it with many people, but depression and anxiety is something I have struggled with for many years if not all of my adult life. I have tried psychotherapy as well as medication and sometimes I find relief, sometimes I do not.

If you suffer from depression, you know there is nothing fun about it. You become somebody you do not like and do not want to be and it affects those close to you. It normally just comes and goes. There are periods of time when it does not bother me at all or at least I get enough breaks in between bouts that I can deal with it. Other times it feels like it takes over my life and does not let me go. This year is one of those times I have not been able to shake it off. It intensified as my mom’s death anniversary approached back in January and I have yet to bounce back. For some reason it also gets worse when the holidays are approaching.

It has now lasted long enough that I am thinking about maybe trying medication again. The last time I tried medication, I did not find it helped that much. I went off it cold turkey and experienced some bad withdrawal symptoms. It has been about three years, and I have been dragging my feet about getting back on them.

For some people is hard to understand depression or even admit they suffer from it. One good example is my father. Since my mom passed away, he has struggled emotionally. We all see it, but he refuses to get any help for it. He believes, as many Christians do, that all you have to do is put your trust in God, or improve your relationship with Him and “snap” yourself out of it. I don’t doubt for one second that trusting and having a good relationship with God can only bring positive things into your life and is especially important when you are going through a dark period. However, I also believe that depression has less to do with your relationship with God or others and more to do with physical problems and chemical imbalances in your body.

I do not know why I am talking about this here, except that I am learning that it is best to expose those things about you that bring a feeling of shame to your life. When you speak out your shame, it helps you get rid of it. I know some people have this image of me that I am always on top of things, or have things all figured out. I apologize for shattering that picture of me :)

In the bottom of my heart, I know things eventually are going to be OK. I know I am not alone and that many people face these types of problems. Would you send some prayers on my behalf? If you are facing a similar situation, it would be my pleasure to return the favor.

Of Moving Up and Staying Put

Two weeks ago, I made a switch I have been dreaming about for a long time. I moved up from a basic point-and-shoot digital camera to a DSLR.

I got a very good price on the new camera thanks to a generous relative (thanks Heldy!) and eagerly awaited its arrival. However, making the switch has not been the enjoyable experience I had imagined. Not that I expected to take it out of the box and take pictures like Ansel Adams, (BTW I love his work) but I did not expect such a steep learning curve. For the most part the camera has been sitting on my buffet table untouched. Every time I walk by it, I swear it whispers, “You are too stupid to own a DSLR”. (Yes, I have a dramatic streak.)

I guess the point I am trying to make is that lately I have been second-guessing myself quite a bit. The lack of blogging is a sign of this. Disagreements with family, problems at church, issues at work, have left me questioning myself. Am I really a fit parent? Should I step down from my leadership position at church? Why can't I get motivated to be more productive at work? Should I have spent so much money on a camera I might never learn to use at its full potential?

Nothing major has happened, just little things here and there have been chipping at my confidence and making me feel like a failure. When faced with defeat, I normally stubbornly keep trying to get it right, or I completely shut down. I have been pretty close to shutting down, but instead have decided to take a time-out. To just kind of let things be for a while, and not rush to make any decisions or try to fix anything. I am always hammering at the girls to not quit when things get a little harder than expected, and I still believe that, it’s just that I am finding out that sometimes is best to just take a step back and learn from whatever experience you are going through and then try again.

I did pick up the camera this weekend, and decided to just shoot some pictures in Auto Mode and forget trying to learn all the fancy features right away. I also took my familiar point and shoot along as a backup. Tonight I downloaded the pictures to the computer and was pleasantly surprised by the obviously superior quality of the DSLR images.

These images are straight out of the camera. I did not edit anything. The top picture is with my P&S and the bottom one is with the DSLR. I love the blurred background of the bottom image. Maybe I can get used to this new camera. What do you think?




P.S. A post with lots more pictures and details of the above celebration is coming soon.

P.S.S. No, I did not notice I had mispelled "Birthday" on the cake sign until I downloaded the pictures. Bummer! Maybe I can photoshop it :)

It's my Self-Pity Party! I Can Cry if I Want To

Come join me. It should be fun! I do not have any balloons but I can assure you I have been eating plenty of cake.

January was not a good month for me. As the anniversary of my mom’s death came closer, I plunged into a deep depression. On a logical level, it did not make sense to me. It has been seven years already. The anniversary is always sad, but time seemed to ease the grief. I felt that if it did not make sense to me to be experiencing such a strong reaction most likely others would not understand either so for the most part I kept my feelings to myself. I have been feeling alone. I know there is more to it than just the grief. I have not been ready to face those issues.

The stress of having to deal with my day-to-day life while under this big cloud of depression has overloaded my body. I have been dealing with pain all over. It radiates through every joint. I have become a habitual insomniac. I lay awake at night, my mind racing and wandering unable to settle down. The word I chose for this year, HEALTH, looms over me almost mocking me. I did not take any steps this month towards getting healthier, on the contrary, I feel like I took several back. It is as if I am afraid to move, to let loose because I could become undone. It stinks! It sucks the life out of you! It eats up all your energy trying to keep yourself in one piece.

There has been a lot of self- reproaching. Why am I letting myself be under the grip of depression? I have a lot of knowledge. I trust in God. I know what I need to do! I owe it to my family to snap out of it! I am not a weak person! However, for some reason I have felt stuck and afraid to take the first step out of the hole.

However, I think a month-long party is excessive, don’t you? It has to end! Self-pity is for losers. I cannot bear the thought of wasting another month wallowing in it.

Thanks for putting up with the moaning and whining.