Ready, Set, Don't Go

“We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”  Rainer Marie Rilker.

My sixteen-year-old daughter left on Wednesday on a mission trip to Nicaragua.  Today I have been reflecting on the subject of motherhood – perhaps because I know she is doing –just fine- without me.  Being a mother is hard. You experience such a wide range of emotions – triumphs and disappointments.  Just when you think you have your life balanced and it is going to be smooth sailing you find yourself in the midst of stormy seas again.  I am having a hard time just standing back and letting her start to break away from me.  It is a concept that goes against my motherly instinct of keeping them close to me.

As she was growing up I've always told her she can be anything she sets her mind to.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't transferring to her my fears of this "big bad world". Actually, I had to push her a little to go on this trip.  I encouraged her to take risks but it was all under my watchful eye.

However, now that she is starting to spread her wings and want to start carving her own path, I'm not sure I like it.  It is beautiful to see the wonderful young woman she is turning out to be.  I'm happy that she starting to feel more confident and happy away from me.  But I'm experiencing many contradicting feelings - happy and sad.  Beautiful, but oh so terrifying!

Last night Natalie and I decided to sleep in Kaitlin's room because we missed her so much.  Natalie was watching an episode of Hannah Montana on Netflix and it was about this subject of letting your kids start to fly on their own.  I'm not a big fan of Hannah Montana, but I have to admit I got watery eyes when Miley's dad started singing to her the song "Ready, Set, Don't Go".

"She's gotta do what she's gotta do

And I've gotta like it or not

She's got dreams too big for this town

And she needs to give 'em a shot

Whatever they are...

... I painted this big ol' smile on my face
To hide my broken heart
If only she knew...

...She's waitin' on my blessings 'fore she hits that open road
Baby get ready, get set, don't go.

There is this quote that I think sums up our job as parents:

I'm finding that giving them roots is much easier than giving them wings.

The purpose of the task....

It seems I have been going full speed since the year started... barely time to breathe let alone blog.



It’s only February and I am already feeling burned out. I am a sucker for stretching myself thin. Most activities I get myself involved in have a good cause but as the to-do list starts growing, I start losing sight of why I am doing things and become obsessed with just getting it done.


On Monday, my oldest daughter gave me a wakeup call. She had wanted to go shopping for a dress for her upcoming class banquet, but my schedule had been so full, I kept putting it off. At the same time, I did not think we needed to spend money on a new dress when she had a perfectly good one at home she had received as a Christmas gift from her grandmother.She kept insisting and although I was a secretly irritated by it, I relented and we went out last Monday. Don’t take me wrong, I love spending time with her, but at this particular point, I kept thinking she was being selfish by wanting a new dress.

Contestant #1

We still had a "fun" time (a little tense at times) and came home with not one but two cute dresses, but as she was getting ready to go to bed I was still nagging her about the reason why she couldn’t just wear the dress she already had.

Her response not only stopped my nagging, it also made me feel about an inch tall “Mom, there is nothing wrong with the dress Grandma gave me, I really like it, but I wanted to have the experience to go shopping with you and having you help me choose the dress for my first banquet.” [Cue total silence].

Coincidentally, earlier that day I had found this phrase in one of the blogs I read… “The purpose of the task is to strengthen the relationship”. Seeing it that way does help one put things into perspective. It gives my tasks a different meaning.

Contestant #2

I am not only getting a dress for my daughter, I am teaching her to make decisions, I am building a relationship with her.


Natalie loved putting outfits together for Kaitlin to try on

I’m not only baking cupcakes for my youngest class, by having her help me make them, even if it takes me longer, I’m strengthening my relationship with her.

The concept applies not only to my tasks at home, but also at church and work. It might just become my new mantra.

P.S.  I found THIS article tonight about a mother's experience shopping with her daughter that totally made me laugh out loud.  I can so relate with her.

Not What It Seems

alternately titled: Keeping It Real

alternately titled:  Not My Proudest Moment

Do you see...?

Gorgeous girls posing on a beautiful fall afternoon.

Frolicking in the fall leaves.

Looking sweet, without a care in the world

What you don't see

... A mom getting irritated.

... A teenager yelling at her little cousin to stop singing.

... A mom nagging her to give a "real" smile for the camera.

... A little girl refusing to look into the camera.

... A mom stomping away and screaming at them all the way home.

... A little cousin crying.

... A mom out of control... feeling like a failure.

Not my proudest moment.  But there is always tomorrow...

To My Daughter

My Dear Kaitlin,

Happy 13th birthday! You seem so much older than you did a year ago. I remember this day 13 years ago very clearly. Looking at you, wondering what I have gotten myself into. Would I be able to handle being your mom?

You are undergoing so many changes and transitions this year and you are taking me along for the ride. I hope we can stay close and continue learning to understand each other. I have lived in this world a little over 30 years longer than you. I would love to be able to share my life experiences with you and guide you as you make your own path in life.

One thing I wished for when I was a teenager was to be able to be closer to my mom and feel comfortable telling her what I was going through. I want you to know that you can tell me everything and anything. Really, there is nothing you could say or do that I wouldn’t be able to deal with. Don’t try to protect my feelings. Bring up any questions you might have about boys, sex, drugs, alcohol. I always try to be as open as possible with you. I rather you have too much information than too little. I might not have all the answers but I can certainly “Google it” [grin]. When it is obvious (and sometimes not so obvious) that I am making a mistake, don’t be afraid to let me know. I am trying hard to “grow up” into the mother you need me to be.

Give your daddy a chance to get close to you. He loves you so much! I feel I would have been a happier teenager if I would have been closer to my dad and free to trust him. Your dad and I have a lot of differences, but we love you in the same way and are equally proud of the wonderful young lady you are becoming.

Kaitlin, can you believe in just five short years you will be graduating from High School? We should start planning your Open House already [grin]. I love sharing a love for organizing events with you. Not only are you an amazing helper you also bring great ideas of your own. I love reading the books you are into. I am so grateful you share your school experiences with us. I hope we continue to find things we can share.

I know we fight sometimes or have different opinions, but that should not stop us from being close. Look at me and your aunts [grin], or me and daddy [grin]. Even if we don’t agree I want you to know that I am your most enthusiastic supporter. No one (except God) is probably going to love you more!

I could go on and on letting you know my feelings and hopes for you. I don’t have enough words to tell you how happy I am to have you as my thirteen year old daughter. You are a beautiful child of God; always remember to give all the glory to Him.

Love, Mami

On My Mind Right Now

This 365-Day Project is deceiving, because since I post everyday it gives me the false sense that I have been actually blogging, when we all know the truth.


It has been a relatively good first twenty days of the year. I have been trying to tackle little projects around the house. Of course, if you were to show up unannounced you would not know I have done anything, there are piles of things all over the house but at least the closets are starting to look better. See?

 

I have also been making progress in other areas of my life as well, but rather than risk “jinxing it” by writing about it prematurely, I think I will wait a little and give you an update later on.


At the same time, we have hit some small bumps on the road. Hubby and I keep taking one step forward and two steps back in certain areas, but hopefully one of these days we’ll take a leap forward and never look back. Haha! I can always wish.

Another thing that has been weighting heavy on my mind is…. ADOLESCENCE! It is ever so slowly creeping into my life. I knew it was coming! But I am not ready! I’m struggling a little. It is not too bad yet, but it does give me that “knot” feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Last night I found this letter written by another mom. I loved her sense of humor and could relate so well to the meaning of the letter that decided to share it here. We are not dealing with a full-blown case at our house yet. We are merely approaching the end of the third paragraph beginning of the fourth… but I am definitely hearing the “haughty laughter” [grin].  Here it is. Enjoy!


Dear Adolescence,


I spent years waiting for you. Even as my daughter suckled at my breast, or slipped her warm little hand in mine as we crossed the street, I knew she was under your curse. I'd heard you mutter it when she was born. I knew that even if I dedicated my entire life to burning every single spinning wheel in every single galaxy, you, Adolescence, would still find her and claim her. And not on her sixteenth birthday, either. I would be lucky to get twelve, thirteen years before you snatched her from me.


At first, it was easy to ignore you, what with diapers and spit-up and all. And then daycare and grade school and bag lunches and dance lessons and softball and sore throats. But I never forgot about you. How could I? My own adolescence rang in my head. "Your life is over," I spat at my thirty-five year old mom when she wouldn't buy me clothes at thirteen. "You're a disgrace to the family," she accused me a few years later when I gave up fashion for flower-child attire.


My daughter sensed you were coming too, way before you started to change her body. Sitting at the kitchen table one day, a beautiful ten year old girl, she looked over at me and said, "Ma, I wish things would never change." I squeezed her hand and said through my tears "So do I, sweetie. So do I." Did she see you like I did, smirking in the corner? Hear your haughty laughter?


And now you're here, and she's in your clutches. You've convinced her that she knows everything and that I know nothing. Because of you, she cringes when I touch her, unceasingly criticizes me, and has forgotten the creative, independent little girl she used to be. You've taught her to put on makeup, to listen to her iTunes nonstop, and to IM her friends constantly. And, to my absolute horror, you've turned her into a superficial, materialistic, brand-seeking, Abercrombie-and-Fitch-and-Hollister wearing conformist. (I have to admire your dead-on aim, Adolescence. You knew that this would be the arrow to my old-hippie heart.)


I am in exile, waiting, hoping for my daughter's safe return. Getting weepy at the sight of six-year-old girls in pigtails, giggling with their moms. I want to run after them and warn them, "Wait! Just wait!"


I am at your mercy, Adolescence. I know you will not release her until her transformation is complete. Until you have watered down my mother-power, and weaned her from my sloppy, milky love.


But are you willing to negotiate some terms of captivity? Maybe allow me a visit now and then? I realize I will have to stay behind the glass, that she will barely be able to hear my words. But please, may I occasionally glimpse her eyes unshielded by defiance or contempt?


And, I beseech you, Adolescence, to do your job swiftly, but do your job well. When my daughter finally comes blinking out of your confinement, let her bear no scars she can't handle. Let her be content with who she is.


And maybe, just maybe, let her be content with who I am, too.


Begging you for mercy,


Jeanne Holtzman

Wisdom

There are times when I can relate a little bit with King Solomon. I can just imagine how overwhelmed Solomon felt when he first became King of Israel. He had to make choices all the time. His word was the final word, so he probably felt the heaviness that having that kind of power put on his shoulders. He said he felt like a little child, without the experience to know what to do. 1 Kings 3.

This week I have been feeling just like that, wondering who in their right mind would have put me in charge of my children.

I want to be a mother that offers wise and teaching words to her children, not words influenced by emotions and “hormones”, and lack of self-control. I want to be the wife that keeps her mouth shut instead of saying foolish things to her husband.

I would like to be the mom that knows exactly what to tell her pre-teen daughter when she is having a problem, or the wife that encourages her husband when he is down, or the woman that makes wise choices when it comes to her health.


So far this week, my words and actions have been everything but constructive and uplifting. I have lacked self-control. I am lacking WISDOM.

Unfortunately, I struggle quite a bit with asking for help! It could be a lack of humility, too much pride… I do not want to see it or admit it but it is the truth. For the last couple of nights though, I have felt the need to ask God for help, for wisdom.

I went back and read the passage about Solomon in in 1 Kings 3. I read James 1:5.  In this verse, God tells us that "If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to Help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it."

Could it be this simple? I never feel a “magic spell” when I read the Bible or when I pray. Some people claim they do, sometimes I wish I did. However, I have been feeling better about things since I’ve spent some time reading. I do not feel any wiser yet, but I know I feel calmer and have a better perspective about things.

So for now I will continue reading :)

Happy 12th birthday, Kaitlin!

You are twelve years old today! Our little baby Lou Lou. Our Katie Lou.

Twelve years ago at 5:23AM, you came into this world, making noise and jolting me into the reality that there was more to life than taking care of myself. I was now responsible for all 7 pounds 12 oz of you.

I never knew I could feel so much for somebody as I did and do every day for you. I thank God every day for the opportunity to watch you grow from those first little unsteady steps, to today, running and growing into a beautiful, smart and capable young woman. Firstborn children usually have to bear the burden of being the "practice kid." I know I have made many mistakes while raising you, but I hope through it all you have gotten the message that you are loved, that my love for you cannot be measured.

It is my wish that you grow feeling confident and true to yourself, that you remember to love everyone and take full advantage of all the opportunities God has put in your path.

I LOVE YOU!

MAMI

Child Labor

Last week my company participated in the Annual Take your Daughters and Sons to Work Day and Kaitlin came to the office with me. This is the first year she semi qualifies (the kids should be 12+ yrs old).

When I mentioned to her the possibility of going, I did not expect her to want to do it because she normally does not like to miss school. She surprised me by saying yes and actually getting really excited about it.

As the day approached, I found myself getting nervous at having her come with me. You see, I am not the most sociable person at work. I greet people in the halls and am generally friendly when somebody approaches me, but for the most part, I keep to myself inside my little cubicle. Having a cute little girl tagging along with you all day is a sure people magnet and I was already getting anxious about the all the extra small talk I was going to have to make. This is a leftover effect of leaving in a communist country were you were forced to compartmentalize your life, but that is a whole other post.


In the end, it was fun having Kaitlin at the office. She asked my help choosing her clothes that morning and even decided to take a laptop so she could do some “real” work. As always, she was a big help. I had huge stacks of paper on my desk that were waiting for me to have some “free” time to organize into binders, and she dutifully sat for over an hour, punching holes and putting the papers into the binders. She even helped me format some Excel Spreadsheets.



Besides participating in a couple of activities our building had organized, she also got in a little bit of computer game playing (without sound, of course).




The day just flew by and I have to admit I got a lot done. Afraid of instilling in her bad work ethics, I did not once check Facebook or read any blogs. Well, except for the times she was participating in the activities, but she does not need to know about that.


One unexpected side effect of having her experiencing what my day looks like is that she has been much more understanding when I show up late to pick them up from school or make last minute changes in our plans. In the past she always greeted me upset or with an accusatory tone. As a parent, you do not expect your children to recognize all the sacrifices that go into raising them and balancing all the aspects of life, but it is nice from time to time to receive some appreciation.

Big Enough

Natalie has been interested in reading for a while, trying to guess at words and sounding them out, but I had made no effort to formally sit down with her and teach her. I had tried with Kaitlin when she was four and five, but she had no interest then, and it proved kind of a frustrating endeavor so I was not eager to go through the experience with Natalie. However, several months ago we brought out these great little BOB Books published by Scholastic that we had saved and let her play with them. After one unsuccessful reading session, I decided to let it go and let her teachers at school worry about teaching her to read, but Joel, who has a little more patience than me, spent some time with her helping her read them, and she got it! She has loved reading them for a couple of months now. During Thanksgiving, she read several of them to her grandparents. It makes her so proud!



For Christmas Joel got her the next set of books, and the other day she lined them all up in the floor and started reading each one out loud to us (much to Kaitlin’s chagrin). It was such a cute scene, I of course had to grab my camera and when she saw me taking pictures, she asked that I take a video of her reading one. She is so proud of her reading accomplishments! I am big enough to read, she says.



Am I Big Enough? She asks this every time she gets to do something the older kids have been doing. When she turned four and I told her she now could join the children’s choir and the Little Lamb’s club at church if she wanted, she just could not believe it! Are you sure I am big enough, mom? Sometimes I worry she is going to develop what they call “Second Child Syndrome” because I am not exposing her to as many experiences as I exposed Kaitlin at this age or have the same expectations I had of Kaitlin. By the time Kaitlin was three, the poor child was enrolled in swimming, gymnastics, ballet and had endured several performances in church. She was also used to being micro-managed by her type-A mother.

With Natalie, I have taken things a little bit easier. I left her an extra year in the Cradle Roll Sabbath classroom at church, did not sign her up for any extracurricular activities until just recently, and did not even think of enrolling her in Pre-K when she turned four. Of course, I have to give a lot of credit to the excellent babysitter Natalie had prior to starting school. This woman did a wonderful job of teaching Natalie and taking care of her in a very relaxed and soothing environment. I am forever indebted to her. At the same time I think Natalie is also benefiting from having a less neurotic mom (I wonder if my husband would agree) that is less worried about hitting all the milestones at the “normal” age. Natalie has a mother now that has learned to live more in the moment and enjoy her little girl. Her baby.

LOST: First Tooth

Natalie lost her first tooth yesterday! The night before she had been in bed for about an hour when I heard her walking around upstairs and went up to see what was going on. She showed me a very loose tooth she apparently had been wiggling for a whole hour. She was excited but did not want me to "yank it out" just yet.

Yesterday when I went to pick her up at school she came running proudly showing me a little plastic bag with her little tiny tooth in it. It fell off during her morning class! I am a little sad! It is one of those “in your face moments” when you just have to admit your baby is growing up.

In other news, she also got her first Time-Out at school yesterday. As she was sitting in the kitchen having a snack, I asked her how things are going at school and if she is liking it. A little mischievous smile appeared in her lips and she told me that yes she liked school but she had gotten a time out today. The way she said it made me almost burst out laughing, so trying to appear more serious I asked her why she had gotten a time out. She explained she had been leaning her chair back and the teacher did not want her to because she might knock the bookcase down. Apparently, she kept on doing it and was sent to time out.

I asked her if she kept on doing it because she forgot what the teacher had said but she said "no, I just like to do it" (no remorse whatsoever) and then in a very serious voice she said "but mom, I am so lucky! Other kids got their time-out during playtime, but mine was during math! I about lost it again! But gathered myself enough to explain the importance of following rules and how they are there to protect her and the other children in her class. She replied with an "I know mom, I'll try not to do it again" and we just kept on going talking about other things.

It is very interesting to me the difference between my girls personalities. Kaitlin also got a time out once when she was in Kindergarten but the whole thing was very traumatizing for her. For Natalie is just another experience in school. Oh man! This parenting thing is a lot harder than it looks, isn't it?

Because we focused on the snake, we missed the scorpion.

The title to this post is an Egyptian proverb and I honestly do not know exactly what it means. I just thought it was appropriate since I spent the majority of today helping my daughter with a class project that involved the Western Shovel-Nosed snake.

However, I also think the proverb is saying that sometimes we focus on the things that seem to be the most obviously dangerous and we miss the less obvious risks such as the scorpions that could be just as deadly as the bigger snakes.

K and I had planned on working on this project Thursday afternoon, but that plan was interrupted by my body’s spontaneous need to reject my appendix. My children are not very tolerant of changes. They are used to things being pretty well planned. Most days, it’s routine for me to give them a brief in the morning of the day’s activities. We do some things spontaneously, but that is definitely not the norm around our house. Spontaneity causes their mother great stress, so we avoid that at all cost. However, Kaitlin’s reaction to this big change of plans took me completely by surprise.

She became unreasonable, even when I talked to her from the hospital prior to going to surgery, she was blaming me for “doing this to her” and worrying about how her project was going to get done. Even with all the stress going on around me, I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, and justifying her behavior explaining that I knew she was under stress, that this was the first time we had an emergency of this type in our family and she just did not know how to express her emotions.

However, I have to admit that her behavior really hurt me, and I became pretty resentful of her open selfishness. Part of it was hurt, part of it was also pride. As a parent you strive to do the best you can training your children to cope with life, and I felt like a horrible failure seeing my daughter so unable to cope and articulate what she was feeling and making such a fool of herself in front of everybody.

Her behavior did not improve at all after I came home, she got really upset because I did not feel well enough to go to church on Sabbath and see her perform and she stood there yelling insults at me, totally loosing control.

This is when I started focusing on the snake (her open selfishness) and missed the scorpion (the fact that she was hurting and did not have the skills to cope with her stress), I spent most of Sabbath very upset at her, really not even wanting her to talk to me or being around me. I woke up today, still harboring these feelings. On the one hand, I wanted to blast her and really put her in her place and talk about how her attitude had hurt me, and how ugly she had acted in front of so many people, On the other hand, I wanted to tell her that I understood what she was going through and wanted to help her learn something from this experience so that she knew how to handle herself next time if something like this happened again.

So in true Ileana form I did both. I did blast her, which I profoundly regret, but then I reached out and got her to talk to me about the real issues at hand.

She explained how scared she had felt when she was told I was in the hospital and that I was going to have to undergo surgery. She was scared that I might die. But everybody around her was telling her how it was not a big deal, that the procedure was supposed to be so easy and common, etc. and that she did not want to “look ridiculous” in front of everybody acting scared, thinking her mom was going to die. So instead she got angry and started acting out in order to cover her real feelings. I told her that I understood completely, that I tend to do the same thing when I am under stress, but that is very important that she feels secure enough around her family that she is able to express her real feelings without worrying what they might think of her. That if she would have expressed how she was feeling, her aunts would have been able to help her better and offer more support. That by acting out the way she did, people got confused and did not know what to do to help her.

I do not think she understood everything I said, but we were able to get past the hurts we were both feeling and I hope she felt accepted and forgiven.

I guess life crises are necessary to bring to light those little areas in life that do not normally manifest themselves when things are going well. I hope to be able to work with K and help her mature emotionally so she is better equipped to deal with life surprises.

School Lunch Makeover

With two girls that are finicky eaters, one of my permanent worries is that they are getting enough food both nutrition wise and quantity wise in their bodies. I supplement their diets with daily multi-vitamins, etc. but every morning when I’m getting ready to prepare their lunches I think “here we go again”. I find it a challenge to come up with food options that they will eat and that are healthy.

I keep asking Kaitlin what the other kids bring for lunch and it all sounds like junk food to me. I look at the school menu to try and get ideas, but they won’t eat any of the things they serve at the school. So I keep sending the same boring lunches every day.

While discussing this with my cousin she sent me some suggestions and sent me a link to a woman that has been documenting her son’s school lunches with pictures. Isn't she creative?

I decided to start doing this with Natalie’s lunch yesterday. I have one of those Lock'n Lock sandwich boxes and using mini cupcake liners as dividers I sent mini sandwiches, cut-up fruit and veggies, fruit snacks & mini marshmallows, in addition to a yogurt and juice. It all looked so cute; I wish I had taken a picture of it. Actually, I took a picture of today’s lunch and I will upload it later today.

I’m so excited about this that is almost ridiculous! I kept looking at the clock yesterday wondering if Natalie would enjoy her lunch or not. When I picked her up I asked her about it and at first she did not react that excited, but when I asked more specific about the little different things I sent and the shapes etc. she let out a little smile, and asked me if I was going to do it again tomorrow.

I found myself last night thinking about what I could do different today, what shapes I could use, etc. You would think I have nothing else to do! I’m even thinking of getting Kaitlin a new lunch box that would fit the plastic container, so I can do it for her too.

It is something small, I know, but as a working mom, I always carry around some guilt that I am not able to spend more time with the girls. I am always looking for ways to make them think about me and put a smile on their face when I am away from them and creating cute and healthy school lunches might just be another way I let them know I love them.